MARRIAGES & Affairs
72
MARRIAGES & Affairs
PART I
Marriages that do not include “Transparency & Intimacy” are susceptible to infidelity. An affair is a sexual relationship between two people outside of marriage! An affair can also be an emotional attachment. Be it physical or emotional there is a transference that occurs. The spouse has opted to seek someone outside of the marriage to meet their physical or emotional needs!
When either spouse does not learn how to become transparent they are usually deficient in the intimacy department. Although the relationship continues marital “Trust” is not established. There is a lingering element of insecurity that is indicative of the relationship! There is also an insatiable void! A pattern of ongoing dysfunction within the marriage can easily be established if not dealt with… Secrecy becomes a part of the marriage!
Marriage was designed so each spouse could grow together and openly share their wants, needs and insecurities and become sensitive, and vulnerable to one another! The desire is to build a loving environment of trust and enjoy life together with one another! This is what transparency is all about! This leads to building a stronger cohesive bond. Each partner is different yet equally important. Mutual respect cultivates a healthier environment where your personal needs can be met! Vigorously meeting one another’s marital needs are then a major priority in your marriage!
There are numerous reasons why someone is not able to establish “intimacy and transparency.” When one has been abused, mistreated, neglected, lack coping skills, is subject to peer pressure, or has an addiction they quite often lack self esteem as well. They may suffer from depression, rather than address their hurts they suppress them. It may also be that they simply lack moral and spiritual values. In either case they may unconsciously select a partner that does not subscribe to transparency or is abusive! The relationship tends to remain surface without depth and void of any fulfillment. This in itself can cause one to continue to look beyond marriage to have their needs met. Secrecy begins to dominate the marriage!
Each marriage is quite different! Each spouse has a different temperament. They each vary in the need or desire for Inclusion, Control and Affection. Some couples marry and establish a businesslike relationship. They then often seek to have their emotional and sometimes physical needs met outside of the marriage. Open marriages rarely work. They do not allow the couple to properly bond and establish trust and intimacy. Here again there is also usually an underlining insecurity. Some seek open marriages because they lack the ability to commit to a trusitng monogamous relationship.
Adults need healthy self esteem! When they do not have self confidence there is then a tendency to cover it up! Drugs or alcohol is another way of covering up low esteem and inner pain to compensate for their insecurities. The changing shift in morals increases and abets experimentation in the area of illicit sex and drugs as well. Countless individuals are currently addicted to pornography and other sexually related addictions. Unknowing they have been seduced not thoroughly considering the spiritual ramifications or consequences of walking in disobedience! This is why it is important to know that God sees everything!
Many enter into marriage without really getting to know the person they marry. Either spouse has quite often, not taken the time to examine one another’s values or priorities. They in fact are “unequally yoked. ” Your spouse is supposed to be your life partner! Marriage is supposed to be a commitment to God’s design for marriage! This is why it is so important not to rush into marriage for whatever reason? After all, you are going to be together for a lifetime?
There is much on the horizon in this 21st century to change God’s design for marriage. It is within the context of this article I am attempting to make an exertion to address “Marriage God’s Way” and some of its surrounding issues. His original design for marriage has not changed.
When one hastily rushes heart first into marriage, the relationship often become compartmentalized and there are parts of one another that are not readily shared. It takes more time for each spouse to sort through the layers of personality. In order to grow together there must be the desire for ongoing transparency. When one does not become transparent emotional walls begin to erect. In the interim you may “walk on eggshells.” This becomes stressful as well as unhealthy! Nor does this let your spouse in and often one elects to supplement their needs outside of the marriage.
Pornography, sexual addictions of all sorts and affairs are on the rise in this 21st century. These are a few of the unhealthy ways of meeting your marital needs outside of marriage! Addictions are strong, uncontrollable compulsive behaviors that are damaging to the mind, body and soul! Sexual dysfunction is prevalent today and rising! It is a not only a physical disorder but psychological as well. STD’s and HIV become probable dire health issues? Since sex outside the sanctity of marriage is often supported this tends to make it much easier to go outside the marriage to seek ways to get your needs met.
Our teens need better healthy committed marriage role models! Sexual feelings are natural and should be openly discussed rather than ignored! Many teens participate in sex before marriage without fully considering the bonding that takes place when sex occurs. Promiscuity among teens often occurs when one seeks to fill their inner void through sexual relationships. Not realizing that they are actually giving away parts of themselves. There is an enormous amount of peer pressure for teens! This can result in unexpected pregnancies. This can also later result in further hindering future transparency in marriage!
Marriage is the first institution that God designed! “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and they shall become one flesh…” You void Trust when you dishonor your marriage vows… It is important to know what you join yourself together with becomes a part of you! This is another reason why one should take their time in selecting a spouse!
If you are a believer, you must consult our Creator and Maker instead of embracing the world’s many alternatives? If you have ignored Him, you can always change? God is able! Start right where you are! You must begin to diligently seek God for help with your marriage! Meditate on His Word, embrace and implement His principles in your life! Begin to be honest with your spouse! Or you can continue to “do your own thing?”
Getting your needs met outside of marriage is not His way. It is actually a weakness taking the helm of your life. This leads you on the broad road that leads to destruction. This will eventually devastate your spouse and further weaken your ability to build a strong healthy marriage and hinders your spiritual life as well. One must take some time and ponder what the impact of practicing infidelity or sex outside of marriage does to their spouse! It hurts them terribly!!!
* If you are in ministry one should really take time to address the consequences of indulging in a sexual relationship outside of marriage! You water down your effectiveness and invalidate the call on your life! The Word teaches us a seducing spirit is in operation here and causing you to “walk in the flesh” See Galatians 5.
If you are a believer it is important to know the WORD of God! The Word was never meant to be a set of rigid legalistic rules and regulations. It is our “Life Manual!” A powerful loving guide that is designed to point us to TRUTH! To keep us on the straight and narrow road! God is now your Father or is He? God does not force us; we have the right to choose! It is important to weigh the consequences? You do not want to be a stranger to His will and way! Or do you?
When you accept Jesus Christ as your Savior and Lord you are saying you want to develop an intimate transparent relationship with Him! Don’t let the world dull your conscience and spiritual ethics! As long as we all are on this side of heaven we are here to learn and grow spiritually! The Lord sees us individually and knows exactly where each of us are! We are supposed to reach out for the Lord, call on Jesus and apply His Word to our lives daily! His arms are always open …
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This is indeed a great hub. Thank you for sharing these great insights. This is indeed a great counsel to live by particularly in the 21st century when wickedness is at its height. Blessings to you always.
Thank you Lady D, I couldn't have said it better, every word is true. Thank you for enlightening us on marriages & Affairs. Godspeed. creativeone59
I do appreciate this Hub very much.
Thank you.
Hallelujah.. and Amen.. Great hub DeBorrah. In today's society it seems that anything goes. The true Biblical meaning of marriage has in many cases gone out the door. The so called powers that be are encouraging people to live in any perverted way they want. Sadly there are even Churches who advocate same sex unions, even for the ministers. These same people allow innocent children to be raised in this type of relationships without any thought of Gods Laws.
Thank you for speaking out.May Gods blessings be upon you.
This is a great hub DeBorrah! One that we all need to read, Christians and non Christians alike. In our marriage, as in all we do we should ask ourselves, "Does what I am doing or saying honor God?" If our conscience tells us otherwise, listen to it and pray for direction and help from God to guide us down a path that pleases Him.
God's blessings!
Kristeen
I so agree with you that the escalating rate of divorces and separations, clearly suggest that “Transparency & Intimacy” are lacking in many marriages today. Too many are trying to build a foundation without God and develop marriages "their way" as opposed to "Marriages God's Way."
You brought out vital points that would behoove couples to seriously consider. So much of the discontent and chaos in marital relationships is directly related to ignoring and not heeding the guidelines provided in the Word of God.
Thank you for this enlightening hub DeBorrah. Your sensitivity to sexual issues of today, confronting the young and old is filled with wisdom. May those that have ears to hear, hear. AMEN!
Love, peace, and joy be yours!
Forever His
great information, yes it is very important to know your spouse well before you marry them, because you are commiting to a life with them and this is very serious indeed!
Very well written and pointing out what should be a natural progression within a marriage.
What alarms me is the divorce rate among professing believers. The Barna research group conducted a study that reported findings in which divorce rates were significantly higher among conservative Christians than other faith groups and much higher than athiests and agnostics. Evangelicals lead the way with 34% having been divorced. Donald Hughes author of "The Divorce Reality" claims that 90% of divorces among born again couples occur after they have been saved. If this is accurate then we need to return to the roots of our faith to find an anchor point. God hates divorce. He enters into covenant relationship with us in salvation. When wedding vows are spoken we enter into a covenant relationship with our spouse. If God were to change His mind where would we be? Without hope! Why do so many take their vows so lightly? It is because many live to please self and this is the heart of the matter. If we are truly living to please God how could we justify going back on our word to the one He gave us in marriage? These statistics say much about the failure of the church to teach the value of self denial. The value of being true to our word even at the expense of self gratification. Powerful hub! Great topic.
Nice Hub.
What a beautiful and well-thought out hub DeBorrah!
Marriages that do not put God in the center are usually bound to fail.
Thank you for sharing your insight and inspiration.
God bless!
DeBorrah,
Very excellent hub. It is so true that many don't really know the person they are marrying...in addition I think no one really understand love until they have weathered some storms with their spouse.
Thank you for this beautiful hub. Everything you said is so right. Marriage is about loving someone else more than ourselves. Love is a wonderful thing. God Bless You.
Fantastic hub DeBorrah! Marriage has truly taken on varied forms, and that is why it is vital that Christians seek a Christian marriage - one that is His way and not the world's way. People run to judges and have secular marriages which really have no yoke other than the law, which is weak, and people so easily renounce and revoke these. In the heat of the moment, no idea whatever forever means because in the back of the mind there is always an out, always a viable reason the promise can be broken. If only people truly understood what keeping a promise really means. If only they truly comprehended what it meant to be steadfast, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad times - through all sorts of stormy weather. Great hub. Peace.
This is Excellent - So much I have learnt and its practical too. I've Bookmarked it and hope to refer to it again from time to time and share with others.
You are a great Blessing.
Best Wishes. :)
Wow..you brought up everything that I can think of...thank you, DeBorrah, this is a wonderfully written hub and a must read for those who are planning to get married or those that are already in marriage and in an unstable stage.
Thank you.
Much love always,
Melinda
I have a 17 year old son who has been dating the same girl for about 6 months. He's the one on my profile picture. He has a high GPA and plans to attend a local college. We have had several discussions concerning his future plans and he has never brought up the subject of marriage. Now I'm hearing he plans to get married after high school. At his age, hormones are a very powerful force. He has been raised in church and is a witness to the moving of God in my life. He has seen the passion I have for God as tears stream from my eyes when the presence of God comes upon me powerfully. My prayer is that he will do as the Spirit of God leads. My fear is that if the desire for sex outweighs the direction from God in his mind, he will make the wrong decision. While it is impossible to see into the future a marriage built on a weak foundation cannot survive the storms. I will have some serious discussions with him and there is still time to help him make good decisions since they have 1 more year of school left. And alot can happen in a year, they may decide to go in different directions. One thing is for sure though, being a good parent requires a great ammount of wisdom. The ability to foresee potential dangers and how to best prepare your children how to deal with them or to avoid them altogether. I will use the wisdom you imparted in this hub as a starting point.
A WONDERFUL hub! I read all the comments as well, which were also very thoughtfuly submitted. Trouble with that is that by the time I got to my comments block...well.......I got nuttin'! Everything that I was going to say has been said. Further, it has been said so well that all I can think to add is AMEN!
I love your hubs!
I shared it with everyone on my FB post..Lots of people, if they come and read it, would benefit from it.
Many blessings, Deborrah.
DeBorrah K.
It seems so many kids now are not actually being given any solid foundations to build upon-and so have difficulty when it comes to understanding moral parameters, especially when it comes to issues like the sanctity of marriage .Thank you ,this is worth sharing.
Good evening Deborah,your articules and messages has been a blessing to every one that reads it.I pray that God will continue to enlarge your ministry.God bless you.
Great take on marriages and affairs. My ex had numerous affairs, and it's a huge strain on a marriage. I finally gave up on trying to salvage the marriage. I remarried and am very happy now!
Love the governing principle but accountability and transparency is the way to gain trust. I have always done this with my wife. I never go anywhere she can't immediately find me. I never turn off my phone but even before we had phones I always wanted her to know my every move. Many a time she would tell me that I did not need to do that. I told her that it was accountability and a "just in case." She gradually learned that it is a good idea and does the same for me. She was not raised this way but has become this way for me. No wonder I love her so much! Love you too, DeB. in Christ.
I just wanted to add that I think trust is paramount in a relationship - in all aspects - not just fidelity.
DeBorrah,
Great hub. As a Christian Counselor and author, infidelity is something I something I completely understand. One who has been there, done that, and lived to tell about it, I have a passion for helping others through the nightmare.
Keep up the great work,
Fred McAllen
HI,
Very intersting hub, There are still lots of things like in old civilization where sex is still taboo, females brought up in traditional houses may not be as open to it even in marriage and since they have been brought up being told not to act as Who**s they just dont do more than have disinterested sex which can lead male partner to have his physical fulfilment outside marriage. Also some guys are polygamous by nature and not even best wife in world can make them monogamous.
Well marriage is a bond where not only physical but also emotional faithfulness is not only expected but also mandatory. But it has to take care of physical needs of boys atleast ( not saying females shdnt have,) because if not espeically after birth of child it has been seen many women are reluctant to have sex for a long time. If the husabnd is good looking, sucessful or rich then chances of him getting his fulfillment outside increase because these guys have lots and lots more oppurtunities than other guys.





































Sky321 Level 1 Commenter 22 months ago
You covered a lot of bases. Great hub! Thank you for sharing.